Consistent Expectations Through Connectedness
Written by Special Guest, Ryan Gomez Wengerd, LSW
I despised school growing up. I told myself I didn’t want to set foot in school again once I graduated from college. The day-to-day academics were a drag. Yet, a part of me liked it. It took until my brain fully developed to recognize that what kept bringing me back was the experience of connection. I would be lying if I said it was other students I’m talking about. Of course, socializing with my peers is what got me through each day.
It was school staff with specific leadership qualities, driven by emotional intelligence, who saw through me, accepted who I am, and believed in me. They were open and honest with me, consistent and supportive, and encouraging because they saw potential in me. That gave me the power to accept myself and eventually find space to help others. Brené Brown describes this elegantly in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Owning our own story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do”. The school staff I connected with most were those who led by modeling the behavior they expected of us, their students.
What I challenge myself with professionally, as our district continues to build consistent behavioral expectations, is to celebrate the value each school brings to the district and align their unique qualities through systematic change. Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports (PBIS) is the framework our district is working to align with. One of PBIS’s five core elements is strategically placed in the center of their visual model. “When you implement PBIS with fidelity, it fits seamlessly within your local context, regardless of the type of school. To do that requires a focus on connectedness”.
“What I challenge myself with professionally, as our district continues to build consistent behavioral expectations, is to celebrate the value each school brings to the district and align their unique qualities through systematic change.”
I see navigating the complexity of consistent behavior expectations across the district by heavily focusing on connectedness. Below are three concepts regarding connection that can be applied to ourselves, our interactions with others, and in leadership when creating systematic change.
Sitting in Vulnerability
Having the courage to let down your guard:
Is at the core of meaningful human experiences
A risk taken to experience connection
The starting point of innovations, creativity, and change
It means:
Having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome
Asking for what you need
Talking about how you’re feeling
Having hard conversations
(Concepts by Brené Brown in her books Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection.)
Building Trust
Trusting Others Checklist
B - Boundaries: Setting clear limits on what is okay and not okay, and respecting them.
R - Reliability: Doing what you say you will do, over and over again, and not over-promising.
A - Accountability:Owning mistakes, apologizing, and making amends.
V - Vault:Keeping confidence, not sharing information or stories that are not yours to share.
I - Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort; practicing your values rather than just professing them.
N - Non-judgment: Being able to ask for help or discuss feelings without fear of judgment.
G - Generosity: Assuming the most generous interpretation of others' words, intentions, and actions.
Self-Trust Tool
B - Boundaries:Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s ok and not ok?
R - Reliability: Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?
A - Accountability: Did I hold myself accountable?
V - Vault: Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?
I - Integrity: Did I act from my integrity?
N - Non-judgment: Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help?
G - Generosity:Was I generous toward myself?
Believing
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines belief as “a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing”. The power of belief makes something that may seem impossible, possible. It drives energy toward the possibility of change when change wasn’t considered a possibility. In the show Ted Lasso, coach Lasso’s monologue to his players emphasizes the power of belief in connection. “You know what I wanna mess around with? The belief that I matter, you know? Regardless of what I do or don’t achieve. Or the belief that we all deserve to be loved, whether we’ve been hurt or maybe we’ve hurt somebody else. Or what about the belief of hope? Yeah? That’s what I wanna mess with—believing that things can get better. That I can get better. That we will get better. Oh man. To believe in yourself. To believe in one another. Man, that’s fundamental to being alive. If you can do that, if each of you can truly do that, can’t nobody rip that apart”.
“The power of belief makes something that may seem impossible, possible. It drives energy toward the possibility of change when change wasn’t considered a possibility.”
Conclusion
Sitting in vulnerability, building trust, and believing were the concepts modeled by school staff who led me to feel connected. They are what helped me grow as a person, and I choose to continue leaning into connectedness during our current systematic changes toward PBIS alignment.
I challenge you as leaders in your districts to first work on trusting and accepting yourself. Then start thinking about how you can utilize these three connection concepts to bring your schools together. Connection can make any consistent behavior expectations across a district. It’s something we all have an innate ability to do for ourselves and with others.
Not only are these concepts behavioral expectations in themselves, but they can also be utilized at the individual, team, school, and district levels. Just as these concepts helped me feel connected as a student at an individual level, they can connect an entire district by creating consistent expectations for behavior.
“I challenge you as leaders in your districts to first work on trusting and accepting yourself. Then start thinking about how you can utilize these three connection concepts to bring your schools together.”
